2012, we are all so doomed.

So,

You spend the last 12 months or so, looking at a fantastically put together website. It's an involving build up to the release of what is looking to be a great movie. Out December 13th, oooo, Friday 13th.

Yes you have guessed it, 2012.

The doom and gloom film bringing in the myths and legends of the date 12/12/2012.

So I managed to convince some friends to go see it, hey just mention the date and the fantastic trailers and off they went.

I'd like to point out at this point that i don't have much joy at cinemas, the last film a saw i fell asleep from start to finish, and the one before that, and the... ok you get my point. How-ever this film was almost guaranteed to keep me awake. That is if some-one does put sleeping pills in my coffee. Yes coffee at a cinema.

Anyway.

I got my £3,000.00 loan needed to go to the cinema these days and off we went.

Oh, can i just say at this point. How do they decide how much to rip you off for at cinemas? I mean nachos and dip £6.90. Portions, well get a standard 1 by 2 inch crisp. Now stand on it. Ok, put that in a floppy see through tray. Now masturbate for 3 hours, ok after this place all you can now squeeze out into a little action mans hat and place next to the crisps. There you go sir, that's £6.90, oh would you like extra dip with that? Yes please, ok thats £1 extra.

They should be slapped and then slapped again.

So i have my ticket, my coffee, and off to the toilets.

First time ever I have managed to get the perfect seat in a cinema. All set, wow, fantastic, i have a hard on just in anticipation.

Ok, wait some more whilst we show you some shitey trailers. Ooo adverts. Ok not a good start, but don't worry it's going to be ace.

Opening titles and go..........Shite........30 minutes later......Shite.........Ooo explosions...... Shite...........More shite....

Right I'll stop there. Marks out of shite for 2012. erm. Elephants on laxatives shite!

Oh hollywood how I hate you. That's right I have spelt your name with a lowercase "h".

Sorry that i have not been factual and used an uppercase "h".

Fact's.

Now ok, you could say that Facts can not play a part in a film which is built up on a load of rubbish predictions.

I agree with you, how-ever the mystery and curiosity of the whole prediction is quite exciting.

Is humanity going to fall because someone forgot to add some more numbers to the calendar? Erm maybe not.

What was I expecting you may ask. Well something along the lines of interesting historical references to how the prediction has come about. The religious back groups and the people who have kept the idea going.

The science of how such an event may happen. What might happen, what's physically possible. What would the earth look like if every volcano erupted. A large planet collided?

Instead I get 2 hours 38 minutes of some dick being so lucky it's totally stupid, trying to find his pissing family whilst the world is ending. The world ending in this instance in a very christian BIG FLOODING fashion.

At certain points during the film a was thinking about how much pressure it would take to crush my balls under the annoying tilting seats. Oh and what the woman in front might think if I just let out a massive fart in her ear.

To be honest I found trying to figure out what frequency the bags of fecking M&M's where producing when the tit in front decided to dig in at every silent point in the film. I should of accompanied him with a sliding my butt cheeks down a brick wall sound.

Some minor points to, well, point out in the film.

1. Yellows stone to California in how long????

2. That was not the terminator and who ever was trying to impersonate him should be taken out by Terry Tate for the rest of his life - Get to the chopper.

3. Mutating nutrons? Really?

4. How not to fly planes.

5. Get your surf boards out. How fecking high-a-wave?

6. Camper vans faster than pyroclastic flows. VW would love that.

7. Hydraulic hose stops great big door.

8.China's army in Nepal?

9. How long can you hold your breath?

10. I'm sure you just said we had no communications on the ground. Your on your mobile to India.

I could go on but then you would have nothing to moan about.

So, if we do indeed face a doomed end of the world type thing. Do NOT do the following;

1. Let Hollywood plan how to save people.

2. Eat yellow snow.

3. Piss into the wind.

4. Open the main door to the boat that's going to save your ass to anyone 30 seconds before that mountain of a wave hits you.

5. Let your kid write a film called 2012 to explain to people it's going to be all good don't you worry about it it's fine really you'll be so lucky you really will just forget it'll happen you'll be saved.

6. Go anywhere near something that's about to blow up.

If you're thinking of going to see said film. Well, go if you want to. Really, go. Get out that door and go.

Why, because you could alway change your mind at the last minute and decide to see Bambi.

At least your safe with Bambi. It's pretty truthful. Good story line, and last about 1 hour 20 less than that crock of shite of a 2012 film.