Illuminatii

2012, we are all so doomed.

2009-11-25T20:01:00.003Z

So,

You spend the last 12 months or so, looking at a fantastically put together website. It's an involving build up to the release of what is looking to be a great movie. Out December 13th, oooo, Friday 13th.

Yes you have guessed it, 2012.

The doom and gloom film bringing in the myths and legends of the date 12/12/2012.

So I managed to convince some friends to go see it, hey just mention the date and the fantastic trailers and off they went.

I'd like to point out at this point that i don't have much joy at cinemas, the last film a saw i fell asleep from start to finish, and the one before that, and the... ok you get my point. How-ever this film was almost guaranteed to keep me awake. That is if some-one does put sleeping pills in my coffee. Yes coffee at a cinema.

Anyway.

I got my £3,000.00 loan needed to go to the cinema these days and off we went.

Oh, can i just say at this point. How do they decide how much to rip you off for at cinemas? I mean nachos and dip £6.90. Portions, well get a standard 1 by 2 inch crisp. Now stand on it. Ok, put that in a floppy see through tray. Now masturbate for 3 hours, ok after this place all you can now squeeze out into a little action mans hat and place next to the crisps. There you go sir, that's £6.90, oh would you like extra dip with that? Yes please, ok thats £1 extra.

They should be slapped and then slapped again.

So i have my ticket, my coffee, and off to the toilets.

First time ever I have managed to get the perfect seat in a cinema. All set, wow, fantastic, i have a hard on just in anticipation.

Ok, wait some more whilst we show you some shitey trailers. Ooo adverts. Ok not a good start, but don't worry it's going to be ace.

Opening titles and go..........Shite........30 minutes later......Shite.........Ooo explosions...... Shite...........More shite....

Right I'll stop there. Marks out of shite for 2012. erm. Elephants on laxatives shite!

Oh hollywood how I hate you. That's right I have spelt your name with a lowercase "h".

Sorry that i have not been factual and used an uppercase "h".

Fact's.

Now ok, you could say that Facts can not play a part in a film which is built up on a load of rubbish predictions.

I agree with you, how-ever the mystery and curiosity of the whole prediction is quite exciting.

Is humanity going to fall because someone forgot to add some more numbers to the calendar? Erm maybe not.

What was I expecting you may ask. Well something along the lines of interesting historical references to how the prediction has come about. The religious back groups and the people who have kept the idea going.

The science of how such an event may happen. What might happen, what's physically possible. What would the earth look like if every volcano erupted. A large planet collided?

Instead I get 2 hours 38 minutes of some dick being so lucky it's totally stupid, trying to find his pissing family whilst the world is ending. The world ending in this instance in a very christian BIG FLOODING fashion.

At certain points during the film a was thinking about how much pressure it would take to crush my balls under the annoying tilting seats. Oh and what the woman in front might think if I just let out a massive fart in her ear.

To be honest I found trying to figure out what frequency the bags of fecking M&M's where producing when the tit in front decided to dig in at every silent point in the film. I should of accompanied him with a sliding my butt cheeks down a brick wall sound.

Some minor points to, well, point out in the film.

1. Yellows stone to California in how long????

2. That was not the terminator and who ever was trying to impersonate him should be taken out by Terry Tate for the rest of his life - Get to the chopper.

3. Mutating nutrons? Really?

4. How not to fly planes.

5. Get your surf boards out. How fecking high-a-wave?

6. Camper vans faster than pyroclastic flows. VW would love that.

7. Hydraulic hose stops great big door.

8.China's army in Nepal?

9. How long can you hold your breath?

10. I'm sure you just said we had no communications on the ground. Your on your mobile to India.

I could go on but then you would have nothing to moan about.

So, if we do indeed face a doomed end of the world type thing. Do NOT do the following;

1. Let Hollywood plan how to save people.

2. Eat yellow snow.

3. Piss into the wind.

4. Open the main door to the boat that's going to save your ass to anyone 30 seconds before that mountain of a wave hits you.

5. Let your kid write a film called 2012 to explain to people it's going to be all good don't you worry about it it's fine really you'll be so lucky you really will just forget it'll happen you'll be saved.

6. Go anywhere near something that's about to blow up.

If you're thinking of going to see said film. Well, go if you want to. Really, go. Get out that door and go.

Why, because you could alway change your mind at the last minute and decide to see Bambi.

At least your safe with Bambi. It's pretty truthful. Good story line, and last about 1 hour 20 less than that crock of shite of a 2012 film.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Hadley's Hope

2005-03-11T13:41:00.000Z

The inspiration for the film "Alien" and Gigers development of the creature came not from man's primordial fear for all things insectile, but from the fear of the female of our species.

We, the males, are cursed by the need to run around like rabid rabbits in search of sex. Once our mission is complete and we lie back in the sticky mess of our excersions, the proverbial face-hugger latches on and the tentacles begin to tighten. It starts with a few small comments from our female counterparts: "Wouldn't it be wonderful if you had shaved?" "I really love that after shave by [insert failed actor's name here]" and the next thing we know we are tied to a shitty desk and working 60 hours a week to support 3 kids and a grandmother.

Women and men just aren't compatible. Women are the nest makers and men are the rampaging barbarian nomads. If everyone just excepted that then the world would be a much happier place. Unfortunately women will continue to mould and manipulate and the men will continue to try (unsuccessfully) to be faithful. We don't do this of our own freewill, it is the constant pussywhipping that does it.

I have yet to meet a married couple who are happy above the age of 30...why bother!? The kids you say? Aprt from the question: do we really need more idiots running around? (this can of worms I'll open in another post). The kids who are from broken families are by far more fucked up than the ones from single parents. Just because marriage is considered right by Hollywood (see any movies about love and you'll understand. The good guys are striving to get the hand of the woman in marriage and the 'evil' character is a sworn batchelor and just wants a sticky quicky) does not mean that it is the best thing to do.

Marriage is a fiction created by the Church to allow them more control; before you whine at me, ask yourself: where do you go to get married?

So my point is, stop getting married and make this world a better place...oh, and stop creating more little idiots that run around and make it their mission to piss me off.

2005-02-28T12:09:00.000Z

Hey, somebody agrees with me about the labelling issue. He gives a different example of where labelling things is stupid but it is still valid. And he is a Maddox look-a-like (sort of).

Making Generalisations is Stupid

2005-02-10T13:58:00.000Z

I just received a new pen and it is fantastic! It must be the only fine-nibbed pen left in existence. I have been looking for over 5 years for one. I can now write even smaller, hurray! (Supposed to mean I am introverted or something). What is it about generalising the human psychi into neat little compartments that all social sciences are attempting to do? Psychologists are starting to sound more like horoscopes and vice versa. And we hang by their every word (psychologists and horoscopes that is).

One of my new years resolutions ahs been to not allow anyone to make generalisations in my presence. For example, when a girl approaches me and states "hey, you're cute, fancy a shag?" I reply by asking them to clarify: "cute like Brad Pitt or cute like that My Little Pony^TM you are playing with?" If they then procede by saying "You're an arsehole" I reply by biting their Little Pony's^TM head off and then smashing their kneecaps. Thus I inform the masses to not make generalisations.

Leave things as they are and stop forcing labels onto things. You are not Aristotle! The point I am making here is that we would be much more content if we remove our heads from where they are currently firmly lodged and start looking around us without prejudices or suppositions and just accept everything for what is presented to us. The moment we start labelling and boxing in things we open ourselves to disappointment because nothing will ever fit our neat little world of labels. I could go into a zillion different examples but I have just bored myself writing this and so it is time to stop.

Now go away because you are probably American and therefore a dumb redneck Bush-supporter and if you are not then you probably wish you were.

New Work Order

2005-02-08T10:05:00.000Z

This post's success depends on whether my pen doesn't give up the ghost before teh end due to how frigging cold it is. I don't believe how cold it is in Athens! And yes, I write these posts on the bus in pen and ink like the neanderthal that I am.

Man I despise management! How is it that somebody with a half-arsed degree in business and management suddenly becomes qualified to be a leader in the field of software engineering, organic chemistry or any other field for that matter. I wouldn't say they were qualified to collect my belly button fluff, let alone organise a team of people to do it. I am currently in my first 'real' job after graduating and I already hate the blind organisation that companies adopt for no apparent reason. I bet if you asked any of the senior management or CEOs for the reasons why the company is organised the way it is, they will finish eating their banana, scratch their head and splutter "Cos s'way s'always bin dun, innit?" just before they beat their chests and call security and have you stoned to death for daring to ask a sensible question.

These people are not omnipotent gods and are prone to the same human condition that everyone suffers from: Stupidity. Stupidity for not thinking for themselves and stupidity for not questioning the norms. Now the solution to this company organisation problem (especially for people like myself who have a pathological dislike for authority) is to remove all hierarchies and job labels.

I will defend the removal of labels first since it is the easiest one to argue. If you are hired by a company as a technical writer and then start asking you to perform QA and analysis tasks (because the QA and analysts suck) then you become bitter and pissed off because a) QA is boring. b) The 'real' analysts get paid double you do. So get ride of the job title and hire people for their skills and for what they can offer. This way the workforce is a lot more flexible and people will general gravitate to what they are good at and therefore to what they like.

Now for the removal of hierarchy I will give you a bit of background that made me realise that this revolution needs to begin. For my final year of my degree the head of department herded the students (there are no other ways to get students to go anywhere...have you ever tried to herd cats? Same difference) into a dusty room above a cafeteria a and filled with bits of PCs and half chewed manuals for Perl. He then announced that this was our new company and that all the final year students were running it for the rest of the year. Immediately the fantasies of world domination took their grip and we started to plan our uranium enrichment programs and oil prospecting only to realise we would be producing software. Now this company did not have any other influences on it apart from the students and thus we were not allowed to have any form of hierarchy; we were all at the same level. Far from becoming chaos this produced an excelent work force. Within a week the students had found their niches based on their strengths and weaknesses. No one told them what to do except for the knowledge of our common goal, have fun and develop software. Since I have the attention span of a cat in a squeaky toy factory I gravitated away from the programming and to the marketing and consultancy team whose job it was to get the contracts, do some analysis and delegate to the developer teams. Because the other team members were there for the same reasons I was we formed an excelent group with focus and vision without the shackles of worrying about who we need to answer to or whether we were working outside of our job descriptions. It was the most free working environment I have ever experienced. And this went for all the members of the company. Everyone had a great time and worked their fingers to the bone because it was fun!

So any CEOs or managers reading this, you know what to do: scrap job labels and hierarchies and make working enjoyable. Although I know you won't because you are afraid you will lose control and the masses will come and steal your Mercedes, burn your white-picket-fence house down and pee on your collection of silk ties.

The Latest Reality Show: Weblogs?

2005-02-04T08:02:00.000Z

Is it just me who has realised this or are we so bombarded by the media that we have become automatons of their little puppet game? The majority of weblogs out there in the blogoverse have become just the next reality show.

There was one very good reason why I stopped watching TV (okay maybe 2...actually lots but I can't be buggered to start on that rant now) and that was the advent of reality TV shows. I will give the creators of such stains as Big Bro the credit they deserve and go as far as to call them geniuses (genii?) for pulling that idea out of their maggot infested sceptic tanks of a mind. For some reaons it has become more acceptable to gawp at the idiot box and watch a bunch of other fat/gobby/gay/bi/Al-Quaeda orangutans lead their exceptionally dull and bigotted lives than it is to watch cartoons/porn/cartoon porn. And now we are no longer tied down to the beloved couch and the neuron-annihilating TV and are free to logon and indulge ourselves reading about the existence of other human being (used in the broadest sense of the term) on the gazillion weblogs rather than living our own existence!

There is only one thing to say: "Stop reading my blog and GET A LIFE!" Without exception, everyone who publishes regularly to their own blog with the hope that some sad, pimply kid will read it and that they may even find it interesting are the biggest losers and are a waste of good oxygen...oh, wait...

Welcome to Gmail

2005-02-01T10:04:00.000Z

I stumbled across this site today. It is in reference to Googles new GMail service. It must have been done by some arty media students somewhere in the states for a project on WorldConspiracy 101 course. Having said that it is an excelent bit of work and makes you think about where we are going with more and more megalith companies stomping and absorbing the little guys and less and less little guys wanting to start their own business in fear of being stomped.

Scary stuff. They are well on their way to world domination! However, I say "Bugger it!" and so I am in the middle of planning my own startup company with the help of a friend. It's going to rock so stay tuned!